Year of Release: 2004
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Horror fans are a resilient people. We take huge risks every time we put a DVD in and press play. The hardened horror fan is no stranger to disappointment, nor are we scared to look a movie with no discernable plot, budget or sober director in the face and laugh. We will live to fight another day, we will know what to do when the zombie apocalypse happens and we will continue to rent movies that shouldn’t be allowed to see the light of day. Sorry, the incessant barrage of flowery and philosophical dialogue in SubHuman has gotten to me. Let me try again: this movie was crap. Not the good crap, just crap. The crap that would make you beat the movie to a bloody pulp if it came wrapped in flesh and bone. No matter which way I put it, I’m not sure I can quite describe just how irritating this movie was.
So it turns out, unbeknownst to most of the people on Earth, that a new branch of humans have been busy evolving over the past few thousand years. You can’t really tell who they are because they look just like us, they dress just like us and they speak just like us. The only difference is that they eat a little bit differently to us in that they eat… us. This new strain of humans has no stomach and needs to deliver its food source directly into its bloodstream. To help it do this it has an extra little extendible mouth tube thing down its throat that it pops out when it has prey. It then injects a kind of enzyme into our blood to make it easier to absorb and then they drain us dry. They’re kind of like vampires but without the teeth or debilitating fear of the sun. Having evolved these hunting techniques they appear to have gotten together at some enormous getaway (I imagine a beach was involved) and decided that the time has come to claw their way up to the top of the food chain. It’s kind of like an evolutionary hostile takeover.
Of course the human race isn’t just sitting idly by and being picked off bit by bit; we have an angry, angry little man trying to save all of us! Now I believe in giving credit where credit is due so I will say that he’s incredibly useful with a knife and can hack through bone like it was butter. That said I imagine he was the kid in school that nobody really wanted to talk to and to compensate he learned every single significant quote every uttered throughout the annals of time so that he could repeat them to himself for comfort during the lonely hours at night. The only problem with that plan was that, while he learned the quotes, he never really understood what they meant and just went about stringing them together whenever someone spoke to him. 30 years later he’s still doing it while he goes about hunting down these creatures, which makes things tricky since he is the main character but most of the time you would rather jam toothpicks through your eardrums than listen to him say anything else that’s meant to show what a dark and complex character he is.
How does all this come together to form a movie is what you’re probably asking at this point. Well while Martin (dark and complex boy) is out hunting one night one of the creatures escapes and he gives chase. Just as he’s about to catch her he’s knocked down by a young couple, Julie and Ben, who he convinces to take him home rather than to a hospital. Ben, deciding that Martin’s place is too dirty, takes him back to their house instead. This act of kindness means that the creatures will not only be hunting for Martin but also for the young couple. For some reason neither Ben nor Julie really believes the ranting Martin about vampiric humanoids coming after them, but being good sports they keep him well stocked with illicit drugs and alcohol until the creatures come knocking at the door. Ben and Julie need to decide what it is they’re going to believe about the situation they find themselves in and Martin has to decide whether or not he’s going to help them live through it.
So yeah, that’s SubHuman in a nutshell. Sorry for the rant, just needed to get all that off my chest J
LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:
- Knowing the true definition of evil makes you better than other people.
- The kindness of strangers usually ends up putting their lives in terrible danger.
- Anyone out to save mankind needs to speak in constant flowery prose.
- Flies that are bred not knowing that they will die can live for thousands of years.
- Buying illegal narcotics in bulk will get you an enormous discount.
- Vampiric humanoid parasites make excellent psychologists.
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