Orphan (2009)

After watching Orphan you’ll think twice before adopting a 33 year old dwarf psychopath. Oh snap, did I just spoil the twist in the first sentence? You bet your candy ass I did, and I’m not even going to apologize. This movie is pure crap. Don’t believe me? Well you will before then end.

The story follows Kate and John Coleman and their family, a daughter named Max, and a son named Daniel. Max is deaf, so get use to sign language. Kate lost a baby while it was still in her ( Grace anyone?), and became an alcoholic to deal with it. She was passed out drunk one night when Max almost drowned in the lake. Remember this, because it comes back in the ending.

So, the Coleman’s decide to adopt, and who better to bring home than Esther, the only child actress who’s accent is more annoying then her dialog. Esther’s a weird one, she likes to wear only dresses, and wears ribbons on her neck and wrists. If you try to take off her ribbon’s you get treated with some really crappy camera effects, and yelling that lasts just long enough for you to fracture your skull off the nearest wall.

Esther gets more and more evil as the story goes on. Pushing a girl off a slide and breaking her leg, killing a nun, attempting to murder the other Coleman children. What’s wrong with her that she can’t just get along with everyone? Simple, she’s not a child, she’s a 33 year old dwarf who escaped from a mental hospital to an orphanage in America. She acts like a child, tries to seduce the  man of the house, and if that fails, Kills them all.

Well, it fails, but not before some really fucking creepy scenes that leave you feeling this movie’s climax might be child porn. Not fucking cool. But Esther get’s turned down, so she does the only thing that makes sense. Take off her clothes, unwrap them titties, trash her room, and stab the father to death. Sucks dude, but maybe next time you won’t be the only family member to take the dwarf’s side.

The movie climaxes in a battle between mother and dwarf, with the deaf girl caught up in the middle of course. Where’s the climax take place? The lake that Max nearly drowned in of course, but this time Esther’s left to drown after a nice boot to the side of the head. There is an alternate ending that comes on the dvd. It’s so bad it’s laughable.

The acting in this one is crap. None of the characters come off as believable, and when the parents try to cry, it hurts to watch. What special effects there are alright, the boot to Esthers head in the end being the highlight.

The movie makes use of false scares to often, I kept a notebook with me just to keep track of them, I lost count half way in. The movie suffers most from it’s length, coming in at two hours. Two fucking hours and nothing exciting or interesting really happens. I don’t want to blame the director for the movie either , as he brought us House Of Wax, and Liam Neeson’s Unknown. I will however point the finger towards the writer, who’s other works include Red Riding Hood, and the upcoming Clash Of The Titans II.

Avoid this movie, there are plenty of other Evil Children movies that are worth your time, this one falls short on everything.

Score – 15%
Gore – 4/10


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