Monster Mondays : The Crate Monster

Mike, a simple college janitor, knows that every quarter counts, and upon dropping one of his, chasing it into a cubby hole under some basement stairs. In the cubby he finds a crate   that’s been hidden down there for over a hundred years, and decides to notify professor Dexter Stanley. Together they decide to pull the crate out, and open it, unleashing The Crate Monster.

The Crate Monster is a vicious little guy, who resembles  a yeti. The Crate Monster quickly kills and devours Mike, leaving just a boot behind, because you know, the right one’s never tasty. Upon fleeing, Prof. Stanley runs into a student of the college, and tries to warn him. Skeptical about what he’s hearing, the student brings Stanley with him to investigate, and finds that the crate has been moved back under the stairs, and upon investigating it, the student is also killed.

Prof. Stanley, knowing when it’s time to get the fuck out, heads to his friend, and fellow professor, Henry Northrup, and tells him all about what happens. Henry in turn, drugs Stanley, and convinces his emotional abusive, and alcoholic wife, Wilma, that Stanley has in fact, attacked a girl at the school, and that she must come help. This of course, was all bullshit, and the Crate Monster gets to feed on yet another tasty human meal.

After Wilma is eaten, Henry locks the crate back up,  and drops it in a nearby lake, thinking the creature dealt with. But the crate broke down there in the water, and The Crate Creature was set free on the unsuspecting world, and could be anywhere now, waiting, stalking, it’s next victim.


Monster Mondays : Old Chief Wood’nhead

Shop owner Ray Spruce watched his town of Dead Water go from a bustling town, to just another dried up near ghost town,  the whole time, with Wood’nhead watching over from his place on the deck. A life size wooden Indian,  Ray has been keeping his paint fresh for years, so he can watch the town as an almost guardian.

When the leader of a near by Native American tribe comes to the store, to bring a package filled with jewels from the tribes families to repay their debt, it’s with a heavy heart and much respect that Ray accepts the gift, and promises to look after it.  Just minutes later, three teenagers from the tribe break in to loot the store, and upon trying to protect the package, both Ray, and his wife are shot dead. After fleeing the seen, the kids return home, thinking they have enough money to make it to Hollywood.

Chief Wood’nhead will not stand to let something so vile go unpunished in his town, as he drops his hand into the paint his owner used for a fresh coat, and mark on his face, that it is truly time for war. Upon tracking the kids down, he dispatches with two of them quickly. Using both a bow an arrow, and a tomahawk, Old Chief  Wood’nhead keeps true to his native american roots, showing he is proficient in the weapons of his ancestors.

With just the leader of the teens left, and no where to escape, Wood’nhead lets the roots of his ancestors show one last time, as he busts through a wall, grabbing the bastard’s long hair, removing his blade, and his scalp. Among returning to his rightful place on the doorstep of Ray’s  store, we pan down, to see he’s still holding the scalp, which has been dripping a nice puddle of blood.

Monster Mondays : The Children

Kids are creepy. It’s a fact, and while you may think your little one is an angel, it doesn’t change the fact that they are still creepy. Thankfully there are few kids as creepy as The Children from The Village Of The Damned.

  During a blackout that left the town of Midwich unconscious for several hours, ten women end up pregnant. Being paid by the government to keep the babies, nine months later, nine are born healthy, with one being a still born.

The Children are anything but normal, with scientist Susan Verner discovering that they are the last remaining survivors of an emotionless race. All are gifted with platinum blonde hair, pale skin, and impressive intelect. They also have psychic powers, that when used, cause their eyes to glow a variety of different colors.

The kids have no understanding of pain, leading them to use their powers to inflict pain on the people who cause it to them. This leads them to cause many a death, without needing to lift a finger. All it takes is to implant a suggestion of suicide into the mind of someone, and they do themselves in for you.

The Children do have one weakness though, concentrated thought. If you concentrate hard enough, their powers of suggestion and mind reading can be blocked out for some time. It’s the perfect opportunity to say, plant a bomb.

  Next time your watching your child play, and you see a glow in their eye, don’t be so sure to think it’s just the sun.

Monster Mondays : The Stuff

 The Stuff is a sticky white substance, originally discovered deep within an old cave. The first person to discover The Stuff had the great idea to eat this substance that was sitting within a cave oozing up out of the ground from god knows where, and thanks to that terrible idea, realized just  how damn tasty it was.

The Stuff was clearly a marketing wet dream, and was quickly put into supermarkets worldwide. Being sweet, filling, and containing zero calories, The Stuff quickly became the worlds favorite treat, leading to other junk food companies sales suffering immensely. But does anyone know the truth about what The Stuff really is?

In reality, The Stuff is a parasitic living organism, that might even be sentient. As you eat more of The Stuff, it is slowly taking over your brain, and turning you into a zombie like creature, while consuming you from the inside out. Talk about junk food rotting your brain.

 On top of controlling the masses that have eaten too much of The Stuff, it has the ability to move and attack in similar fashion used by The Blob three years later.

Thankfully The Stuff was taken off the markets, and it’s successor, The Taste ( made with 88% ice cream, and 12% stuff, for a healthier, less zombified america) never got the chance to be sold. But some people say if you know who to ask, you can still find The Stuff being peddled in back alleys.


You might of noticed there wasn’t a review yesterday. There’s a good reason for that. I’ve been putting down some research, and getting ready for something a little new. On Sundays instead of reviewing a movie, I’m going to review a horror comic instead. It’s a little known fact that I am a huge comic fan, and I want to share the love with you guys. So be ready next Sunday. – HD

Monster Mondays: Jack Front

When I say mutant snow man movie from the 90s what do you think?

No not that one. Let me try again. Mutant Killer Snow Man movie from the 90s?

 There we go. History lesson. The killer snow man movie Jack Frost, came out in 1997, while the family friendly ‘my dad is a snowman’ movie came out in 1998. This made it terribly hard for me to find this version to rent while I was younger.

Jack Frost is the story of, well, Jack Frost, a serial killer turned snow man when his prison transport crashes into a chemical truck. The chemicals in the truck melted our frosty friend into the snow, turning him into the first ever snow man with a rape scene.

Don’t ask where his carrot went off to.

Jack has the ability to turn his body into different shapes, or even to melt down into water, to get to those hard to reach places, say, behind a locked door. Or even into a shower. Being able to melt yourself into water makes it pretty damn hard to kill you if your a snow man. Frosty here can also throw icicles with razor sharp points at strike out speeds, leaving behind bloody ornaments everywhere he goes.

Much like many of the Monsters I talk about in these articles, Jack only gets stronger with time. Haven been defeated by Anti Freeze at the end of the first movie, he gets revived by hot chocolate in a lab in the second, and comes back, better, stronger, and faster.

Traveling to the tropics to chase after his arch nemesis, Sam the sheriff that arrested him, Jack turns the entire island into a winter wonderland by his arrival. Anti-freeze no longer has an effect, and now he has an army of killer snowballs to do his bidding. These little buggers, equipped with razor sharp icicle teeth, and cute as hell, pack a deadly punch.

I don’t know about you, but when winter comes, I’m staying away from any snowmen I see. Cause you can bet “it’s not fucking frosty”

Monster Monday: The Creeper

Talking about the Creeper is almost like the set up to a bad joke. What’s ugly, inspired by the predator, and wants nothing more then to eat your body and gain your limbs? The Creeper of course.

  No one can say for sure how long the Creeper has been around, but we were lucky enough to meet him for the first time in 2001, and again in 2003. While being in two movies, they both take place in the same 23 days.

The Creeper  is a beast that has roamed North Florida for 23 days every 23 years when it awakens. With the ability to sense fear, it will track anyone that it smells, has something it wants. It will hunt you down, and it will tear whatever piece of you it wants off, and have a little snack.

  The reason it eats, isn’t because it’s hungry, it’s to regenerate it’s own body. So if it eats your eyes, it’s eyes will regenerate. This makes the bugger hard to kill. Sorry, I should say impossible. You can hit this bad boy with a spear, stab it as many times as you want, or run it over again and again. It’ll get up. At least until it’s 23 days are done.

The Creeper has a unique style of hunting. Provoking fear in it’s targets, as well as unleashing a headfirst, never let up attack, not only does it provoke fear, but a feeling of hopelessness, as if there’s nothing that will stand between it and you.

 Even though it has wings and can fly at great speeds, when it’s trying not to get noticed it will use a truck. It use to store bodies in the truck it would take back to it’s lair, and decorate the walls with them. When it’s lair was in danger of being found by the cops, it burned it to the ground though.

As if being able to kill you with it’s wings, and bare hands weren’t enough. As if eating you to regenerate just wasn’t good enough, The Creeper is also an expert  at forging makeshift weapons, like it’s Ax, or it’s Bone Throwing Stars.

When the only thing that can stop it, is running out of time, it makes me glad to say we don’t got to worry about it waking up until 2024, or when it jumps back on screen in Jeepers Creepers 3: Cathedral.

Monster Mondays : Feast Beast

Don’t you hate it when your walking along  with your family, and suddenly a car kills your child? The Feast Beast certainly do, and what better way to show hatred then to kill everyone you come across!

The Feast Beasts first made their appearance in 2005’s Feast, offspring of the Project Greenlight series.  Standing between 6 to 8 feet tail, and faster then a bat out of hell, these devil’s raised hell on a lonely bar with a multitude of different weapons. And what are those weapons you ask?

  Well for starters, these bad boys have claws that make a lion look like nothing more then a fly on the wall, with a set of teeth to match. They are seen many times biting and tearing people apart.

On top of the cutting and tearing weapons they have attached at all times, they have the ability to spit up a deadly green goo. The goo they spit up might seem like nothing more then disgusting  vomit at first, but give it a couple hours and you’ll feel it’s kick. If you’ve been exposed to their goo, it won’t matter if you clean it off, over the next few

hours your body is going to start to decompose on you, lovely way to go out.

On top of this, they also have a built in alarm system, for calling other beasts, as well as hurting our weak human ears. They can call for others themselves, or when they have been cut open, if you know what your doing, you can set it off, or worse, you can set it off by accident.
While all of this sounds bad enough, the worse is yet to come. The Feast Beasts have a strong sexually appetite, and much like a dog that hasn’t been trained, they will rape ANYTHING. Be it people, cats, or in-animate objects. But that isn’t the worse part. If they rape something alive, the victim will give ‘birth’ to a feast hybrid. We get to see both cat-beast, and human-beast hybrids over the course of the three movies.
    Last week I talked about the intelligence of the Krites, but they have nothing on the Feast Beasts.  These bad boys are known to set traps, spotting the smallest openings and attacking when it makes sense. They are also great at demoralizing people, and are some hard sons of bitches to kill.

I don’t know about you, but when I see these guys roaming into my town, I’m catching the first bus heading the other way, and I won’t be stoping!